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profile Cecilia Lanny Winata Aliases: Lanny/Cecilia/Xenopus Location: Singapore Occupation: Grad Student, National University of Singapore Interests: Zen, Martial Arts, Japanese Culture and philosophy, Life Sciences, Religious philosophy, Christianity Hobbies: exploring new places, learning new things, walking (preferably outdoors), cooking, eating good food, home making, swimming, sea sports, anime (Naruto being the best by far), good music to accompany my different moods, and good books to read Schools/Past Affiliations: TK Bunda Hati Kudus, Jakarta (Kindergarten); SD Bintang Kejora, Jakarta (Primary 1-2, 4-6); Ironside State School, Brisbane, Australia (Primary 3-4); SLTP Santa Ursula, Jakarta (Secondary School); SMU Santa Ursula (High School); Indonesia International Taekwon-Do Federation (Jelambar, Jakarta); National University of Singapore archives November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 April 2006 May 2006 August 2006 October 2006 January 2007 August 2007 January 2008 March 2008 June 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 September 2009 affiliates 5h4d0w's Lair My old Friendster blog credits skin by: Jane |
Monday, April 27, 2009 @ 8:03 AM
Circus As Britney put it: "There's only two types of people in the world - the ones that entertain, and the ones that observe... ". I like to think of myself as the latter kind. I really hate to pretend, especially in front of people I'm close to. I tend to open myself quickly once I get comfortable with people, coz I want people I care about to know me as who I am - the good, the bad, and the ugly sides. I have not been a very good actor. Many people have kind of alerted me that my emotions are easily displayed on my face, like a fish in a newly cleaned fish tank. I also know that there is no way I could perform well in something my heart can't appreciate. Like the second paper I am currently working on, but that's a side issue here. Although someone once requested me to "improve on this", and I sincerely put my effort into it, I guess I have failed big time just days ago. These past few days have been like a circus to me. I have been having to perform this act which portrayed the incomplete me, in which I needed to hide some truth behind me - a painful one, mind you. It's not really lying, it's more like trying to put up a show of myself which, I felt, deviated too much from the real me. It's like being a clown with a smile painted on my face, while I am actually frowning. I don't like to put on such make-up on my face. Some people I know asked me why I couldn't just play along with it. I couldn't find an answer for that. It's really just me. If I'd told them that it ached inside, they would just brush it off and call me a whiner. Maybe I am, but I guess my life's too valuable for trying to force myself into becoming something I don't really like. And what to do with those circus people? I pray that God would bless them. I guess, for now, I still need to play in the circus for awhile (expect it to be a clumsy act though) coz there are still some aspects of my life which depended on them. Perhaps I should work harder in order to attain my own independence (economically and emotionally), so that I could free myself of their influences. "Immortality, here I come!" 0 Comments: |