|
profile Cecilia Lanny Winata Aliases: Lanny/Cecilia/Xenopus Location: Singapore Occupation: Grad Student, National University of Singapore Interests: Zen, Martial Arts, Japanese Culture and philosophy, Life Sciences, Religious philosophy, Christianity Hobbies: exploring new places, learning new things, walking (preferably outdoors), cooking, eating good food, home making, swimming, sea sports, anime (Naruto being the best by far), good music to accompany my different moods, and good books to read Schools/Past Affiliations: TK Bunda Hati Kudus, Jakarta (Kindergarten); SD Bintang Kejora, Jakarta (Primary 1-2, 4-6); Ironside State School, Brisbane, Australia (Primary 3-4); SLTP Santa Ursula, Jakarta (Secondary School); SMU Santa Ursula (High School); Indonesia International Taekwon-Do Federation (Jelambar, Jakarta); National University of Singapore archives November 2005 December 2005 January 2006 April 2006 May 2006 August 2006 October 2006 January 2007 August 2007 January 2008 March 2008 June 2008 September 2008 October 2008 November 2008 March 2009 April 2009 May 2009 June 2009 July 2009 September 2009 affiliates 5h4d0w's Lair My old Friendster blog credits skin by: Jane |
Tuesday, October 14, 2008 @ 6:51 PM
A little confession I'm not sure why I am writing this entree. I guess I have been feeling quite disturbed by some event which occurred in the past. It is kind of difficult for me to admit that I have actually done wrong, especially regarding the shame I had to endure for the extremely childish nature of my behavior that time. I really felt that I wanted to apologize to a particular person, eventhough my behaviour towards her may not even affect her at all. However, I really don't have the proper means to do so, because first of all I do not really know her well, and I do not know where exactly she stays, we have very few common friends, I don't have her facebook account and I feel really stupid to just pop up into her husband's facebook and say something like "Hi! How have you been? Oh btw,can you tell your wife that I apologize for what I did in the past?" heck, she may not even remember me. Or maybe. I doubt that the person I wanted to apologize to would even read this, but I decided to write it down here anyway, perhaps also as a penance for my mistakes. So the silly confession goes. Back when I was in university, I got attached to a guy. This was my first boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. Sometime later during our courtship, I found out that before we were attached, he was in love with a girl. He did many things for her, spent many days at her side, following her around. He also did something extravagantly romantic in order to win her heart, during an event in our hostel, such that many people in the hostel actually knows about it. Perhaps due to me being clueless, or being anti-social at that time, I was one of the few who didn't know about this. In the end, she rejected him bluntly. And sometime after, he found me and we fell in love and decided to get attached. I wouldn't say that our relationship was anywhere near perfect, but I do believe that his feelings for me were true (at least at that time). However, I guess my inexperience in relationships, or should I say my lack of knowledge in the "Guys from Mars Gals from Venus" thingy, prevented me from accepting his true feelings although I do felt the same way towards him. Upon learning that he once loved this girl, I became overwhelmed by jealousy. My immature mind kept telling me that I was being used as a second option, as a replacement for that girl. And the fact that many people in our hostel knows about the past, brought down my pride and confidence in myself even more. I would initially complain to my then boyfriend and make a big fuss about it every time the topic arose due to events in the hostel which may involve her as well. This was my first mistake towards my then boyfriend. In the end, I became more and more angry with myself, and here lies my wrong towards that girl. I started to display my dislike towards her. Each time I passed by her, I would turn my face away. Whenever I saw her in the dining hall, I would stand up and walk away. I also distanced myself from people I once knew, who were close to her. And I think she felt it too, and subsequently started to ignore me too. Then time goes, and I forgot about everything. I didn't get together with the guy in the end (although not because of this issue mainly), and my life just went on. Sometime ago, a close friend of mine told me that she got married with another guy I know from the hostel, and recently, the same friend also told a group of us that they just had a boy, and everything suddenly came out to the surface again. As I could think much clearer now, at least compared to in the past, I am truly happy for them. Although I don't know them well, I was in good terms with her husband. I know he is a good person. I remembered the last time I came across the two of them sometime recently. He actually approached me and we talked quite a bit, although she was sitting somewhere further in the MRT and didn't show any interest in joining our conversation, nor even looking towards our direction although her husband seemed to want to call her to join in. I felt rather awkward, although I was quite delighted and relieved that he is still in good terms with me. I was and still am really curious whether she actually told him about how I behaved towards her in the past. Maybe she did and he understood it as being merely childish, or maybe she didn't think that such matters are worth telling. I haven't a single clue, it's rather amusing. To end the story, again, I really have no idea why I am writing this. I guess I just felt guilty, and I needed some means to channel my (mild) restlessness. A little advice would probably help as well. If I were given the chance to meet them again, I pray that I will have the right words to make things right again. And I sincerely pray for their happiness. 0 Comments: |